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I need to grind me some stones on the day job this morning, so this will be brief. Did some med shuffling recently, and thought I would write about it in the interest of science.

CPAP: I think, after about 6 months of CPAP action, I am finally able to sleep through the night with it. For the last 4 days, I’ve managed to keep it on all night. The secret seems to be me taking that second Xanax I am allowed to take, but generally don’t. Seems to make me not want to claw it off my face when I’m half asleep, and seems to make it okay to slow breath once I get up at night and disrupt my sleep. Yeah.

In spite of the CPAP, I’m still a pretty sleep person. I score a 13 out of 20 on that sleepiness scale. If I’m not driving, I am very likely to fall asleep in your car (as Skipper Dee can attest to, recently). At movies, in front of the television, and sometimes while reading. The neurologist offered me medicine for it.

Sleep Doc: I can give you some medicine for that.
Me: No, I’m on two depression meds. That might counteract their purposes.
Sleep Doc: I don’t think so, unless you are Manic Depressive or are on NSAIDs.
Me: No, I’m already putting a lot of drugs in my body.
Sleep Doc: Okay. Well, the CPAP doesn’t seem to be helping you enough.
Me: We can talk about it next time, right? When I get my life transforming CPAP under control!
Sleep Doc: Okay. We’ll do that. Do you have energy to do anything at night? Work out? Things you want to do that aren’t your job?
Me: Oh. (cue lightbulb) Okay, I’ll try it.
Sleep Doc: Here are some samples. We’ll call them in if you like it.

First day, I tried the new awake pill without Xanax. Wow. No one told me that the new pill would give Catherine Tourette’s! I curbed my not quite safe for work vocabulary, and things went fine for most of the day. In the evening, I was really jumpy, paranoid, and full of anxiety, SO the next day I started taking a xanax.

I am currently not falling asleep in the car. That’s pretty amazing. I had a little bit of trouble this morning, but that was the first incident in 3 days, and I believe that has more to do with the issues below. So, I’ll finish off my samples, and if it works, I’ll probably add a new pill to my repertoire.

Wimmin’s stuff below.

Continue reading “Awake! Asleep! (cramps…)”

If you read through all of the following essay, you’ll see how I got to this point. Think about what I’m saying here, you writer types who used to go to Wiscon. Just sayin’.

And a final note to the folks who have left Wiscon: we talk A LOT about supporting diversity in fiction on the Internet. A LOT. Hell, entire Hugo slates have been jiggered because of this subject. If you are one of those people who support diversity, and you’re an author, why aren’t you there? Sure, the con comm fumbled. I almost didn’t go because of that, because I would have been a conscientious objector, but new people picked up the ball and did the right things in the end. Some other folks on the con comm reformed, and learned something new.

This con needs your help if it going to live up to its potential, a place where ideas of the newest sort can take seed, a place where authors, both women and men, can discuss intersectionality and improve their speculative fiction, a place where you can learn and grow, a proving field for new ideas regarding what the nature of SF/F is for fans of all sorts.

Okay. I see I that I should put this first. I also see that I’ve answered my own question. The issues isn’t that I shouldn’t go to Wiscon next year. The issue is that I should get more of you to go. Let me cut this, move it up, and get on with my work day.

Now, the rest of the story.

Continue reading “Wiscon 39”

This week I am traveling Catherine!

I had a weekend in Minneapolis with the gaming crew and some friends, and then left Monday for an overnight with students from the SEED program in Chicago. After a whirlwind tour and a very long bus trip, I am back at work for two days, at which point I head out for the usual sojourn at Wiscon with Dan, Lisa, and Yolanda.

If you’re going to Wiscon, you can catch me for sure in three places: I read Sunday morning at Michelangelo’s, 10 am. I’m on a Penny Dreadful panel Monday morning, and I’ll be at the sign out Monday mid morning.

Of course, I’ll be about doing about things. I hope to see you there.

Wow. We end up here after all this.

I’ve been thinking about my psychology, but never in my (almost) 50 years have I thought about my psychology in terms of perfectionism. Which is amazing, because if you are my friend, you know it, don’t you? Especially if you are my friend and you have weathered several years of me, my high standards, my gruff demeanor and my attempt to alter your behavior, sometimes without being conscious of it, and sometimes cruelly on purpose, because I like to pretend I know what’s best for you.

You’ve noticed me not being happy with myself and trying to show that I am worthwhile by pulling stunts. I have always started out these stunts in an origin of desire. I wanted to get my PhD, for example, but by the time I finished it, I had managed to turn it into this mighty effort that I did not much enjoy. I often say that I enjoy having my PhD. That’s classic perfectionist. Shoot for the destination. Don’t enjoy the journey. The ends justify the means.

It’s the same with my weight. Even though I have slimmed down somewhat, I am inching my way back up. I want to be healthier, but what that means is eating good food and working out. However, the perfectionist says that life doesn’t start with fashion until you have reached that perfect weight. Again, I’ve improved, but you know, why am I waiting to enjoy something when I can enjoy it now? Why, when I look at a picture do I see all the flaws? Why can I not activate the content circuit?

These are rhetorical questions. You don’t have to answer them. I am very aware of my background and my genetic heritage. Like it or not, this is my battle. I need to work on these issues for all of you, but I also need to work on these issues for me.

Okay, so here’s this question: why do I write? Do I want to enter the published author industry? I’m knocking on the door, and people are letting me see in at this point. It’s just a matter of time if I keep doing what I’m doing, but I know people find this industry frustrating and high stress. Hey, I can make taking a bubble bath frustrating and high stress, so I wonder, is this a wise path for my sanity?

The biggest reason I started writing when I was a kid was because I wanted to submerge myself in story. I wanted to play. I enjoy video stories and written stories, and I live for those moments when characters laugh, cry and are triumphant, when emotion transcends their beings and they become more than themselves. I love story.

I love story whether I am orchestrating many characters, or I am acting as one. I love gaming, I love gming, I love writing, I love dressing up. I love story.

To make a book good, you revisit, refine and shape a story so that it is more of those incredible moments that you can live. I am in story telling because I’m looking for that story high. I watch Dead Like Me over once a year because I can find that story high. I game with my talented ensemble of actor friends because sometimes we stumble on that story high.

Of course, plotting the game can be a chore. Revision and proofread can be a chore. I can make this all one bleak, gray job. Another thing in my long list of things that I have to do. Not living in the moment of the thing, but being frustrated by the thing not being done.

You know, like exercising every day and not cracking the 200 pound barrier. Like feeling guilty about the ice cream cone rather than choosing to enjoy one every now and then because I like ice cream. The damned goal, over and over and over.

I will say something dramatic, like I’m done with it, but I am so not. It’ll come up again. It always does. Heck, this year was the biggest Type A train wreck I’ve had in a while, and that was just because of destabilizing change. And my first instinct? Run away, find a new job, and start fresh, which isn’t necessarily bad, but is a classic perfectionist technique.

That’s the thing about perfectionism. It’s a double-sided coin. I mean, I need a new job in Florida. Absolutely. But right now? Three years before Bryon’s ready to go? What about enjoying the ride? Living for the moment? Dick move, perfectionism. I see what you’re doing there.

So, back to writing. The journey is the important thing. The journey is the important thing Falling into the characters, loving what I’m writing, and doing the rest as part of a long stream of doing my art. Worry, angst, sadness, depression, procrastination, the illusion of no time, NONE of this helps me in any way. None of this produces results. It just wears me out so I can write less.

I write because I want to enjoy my life, and this is one of the ways I do it. I don’t care about the rest. This is vital for my health and well-being, and my sense of joy.

And that’s all I got to say about that.

We’re full. Go, us.

That is all.

One of the things that I will try to do this summer is to get back into the habit of writing here. Now, I haven’t been avoiding my blog because I don’t like to blog. No, I’ve been ridiculously busy for many reasons that I’ve talked about in other posts.

But let’s just stop offering up excuses. There is always work to do, and I will always have too much of it to do. My problem in interfacing with the world is that I am a workaholic who seeks to value myself through achievement, and quite frankly, this year, I have fallen off the wagon, big time.

And let’s cut here for those of you who are very, very bored.

Continue reading “Working Too Hard Part 497,235”

I just returned from San Antonio Texas for the 5th annual Paradise Lost, which is a workshop for alumns of Viable Paradise, Taos Toolbox, and basically any folks who have survived a neo-pro writers workshop and would like more of same. I went on the retreat track to get some writing done. I got some writing done. Not a ton, but enough to make the trip worthwhile. I also connected with some of my writing BFFs, and we supported and jammed on each others’ work. It was a good time.

This time, I spent a lot of time down by the Riverwalk, which I discovered is a terrific place to take your morning constitutional. I love the look and feel of the Riverwalk in the morning, from the lights reflecting on the water, to the people setting up the outdoor cafes and sweeping away the night before. I wouldn’t mind one running through the center of Cedar Rapids. Instead, we have a river. Well, you can’t have everything.

At any rate, Sean Kelly and his wife Michelle did a superlative job this weekend, and I appreciate all their effort. I do a much more minor event, Paradise Icon, and so I have a taste of what that planning feels like.

And I met so many nice new people! There were a lot of fun, wonderful folks there that it was just a joy to talk to.

Still plugging away on the novel. Fifth rewrite, page 143. Looking forward to summer break and getting this out the door. So Paradise Lost moved us a bit further in that direction.

Once more, my friends, unto the breach.

I am now getting back to the book, seriously. Recently, I read a couple of books that convinced me that I needed to evaluate what I am now calling The Vessel of Ra scene by scene. So, I whacked my manuscript up, threw away about five scenes, and marked what I thought was truly, truly lame.

I had a good crowd of beta readers who gave me similar feedback on a lot of this material, so I have a good grasp on my deficiencies and what I need to do to fix them. It seems that the following are things I should address:

Octavia’s crazy slippery personality.
Show the conflicts between Drusus and Octavia.
Give readers the background on Binders that they need so they don’t have questions (in short, do not rely on the ESP method for writing…)
Make sure that I minimize the anachronisms.

So, before I sent those first fifty pages off, I want this book to be ship shape. Right now I’m tarring the boat.

Next post will be some recent reads.

I think I should be able to get back to posting here more often. The time of being pretty much tied to my adult life seems to have stopped, somewhat abruptly.

Just to put an end to some melodrama, none of the digestive tests showed any kind of hernia. So, I will continue taking about 3 different kinds of meds to manage my reflux. This does seem to be working. I am also getting the CPAP figured out to optimality. No operations, and hopefully, less med in my future.

I think it’s safe to say that the Florida job search is now over, and I do not have a Florida job. I went pretty far in one search, but on Friday, those of us who were interviewed were going to be busted down to 2 candidates who would be interviewed by the college pres. Since I didn’t get a call today, I’m certain I’m not one, because the interviews are on Wednesday. That’s okay. As cool as it would have been, there would have been a lot of headaches and deprivation in moving down there as well. We’ll see what the fates put out for us next year, but this year, I’ll get back to focusing on my writing and my current job.

Kirkwood decided also not to replace my dean, which was another job I was going to apply for. There’s been a re-organization and a new boss, so no need for that to take up my time.

After all that, then, I have run very hard to stay in the same place. 🙂 I can concentrate again on getting my novel in its best shape for those agents that want pages.

So. Back to being the mild mannered comfortable shoe at work for another year, at least. It was nice to be the red pumps someone wanted to buy while it lasted. And back to writing, laboring in obscurity. Man. I wants me some immediate gratification. How come that never happens?

My goodness.

So, here’s what’s going down:

THREE medical tests to check out my acid reflux in closer scrutiny. I have a new gastroenterologist, and last week I had an esophogram, this week I have manotremy, and next week I have endoscopy. He thinks I might have a hiatal hernia, so we’re looking to see if that’s a true thing or not. IF it is, maybe we can do a bit of repair, and my reflux would reduce. That’s all a big maybe, but we live in hope.

TWO phone interviews for a new job. I’m happy to stay at my current job, but I wanted to try out my interview materials for a deanship that might open here, and I’m beginning to look toward our Florida move, which might happen in as few as three years, so I thought I would apply for some very attractive Florida openings. Two of those colleges decided to do the equivalent of a phone interview, so cool. Advantages and disadvantages. We’ll just see how things play out.

ONE book. At this point my spring break plan is to write like a maniac, now not so much as to get the book out the door, but to get as much done as possible. If there’s anything having the book read told me, it’s that we’re some distance from solicitation to those 4 waiting agents, BUT I’m on it. My latest trick is to whack the book into scenes and chart the scenes into series, and then figure out where to add, subtract, and deepen. Sounds easy when you look at that sentence. 🙂

So, keeping busy. Hoping you’re all good.