My next year of living writerly post is going to be called the future, because the future came knocking this week, and you might like to hear about how one might manage the future, but I thought this week I would talk about a personal topic, and try to be thoughtful.
Yeah. Like that.
As you may or may not be aware, my last parent passed away, quite unexpectedly, in January. You might also be aware of how my background wasn’t the best. I’ve been coming to grips with a lot of energy that is now floating ambient throughout the universe. All that energy that used to be against is now just energy. I have begun to take a good solid look at who I am and what my background has made me, and where I’ve gone and some of the choices I’ve made.
One of the things I’ve discovered is fear, although I don’t think I knew it was fear. So much of my life has been designed to screen and shelter. I have a deflective sense of humor, I have built image and entitlement around myself through my profession, and I reveal my true self to very few people. I go through life playing a variety of roles. Well, there are some positives here, and I am really quite funny and adaptable, but when you think about going through life vulnerable, well, I made a decision to give up my address in Vulnerable a long time ago.
If the screens didn’t work, if the deflections didn’t work, there is always the crazy. I’ve always painted myself as someone who stands up for the honor of others, or tries to protect people from harm, but I’m pretty sure what I’ve been doing is protecting myself from things that make me uncomfortable by pretending to protect other people. Because when all else fails, judgmental craziness has been known to work, right? Mistakes have been made. Lies have been told to myself about myself.
Lest this sounds too severe, I know we all do something like this. I know we all have foibles, flaws, and regrets. I’m actually quite lucky inasmuch as I am a pretty self-aware crazy person. My biggest issue with myself isn’t that I’ve been fearful. It’s that I’ve lashed out when I’ve been afraid and pretended it’s been for a good cause. The good news is I understand better what I’m doing now, and will be doing my best to not do this. Habits are hard to break, but I will become a better person for breaking this one.
Don’t read this as regret about leaving my family. There’s chasing people away, and there’s understanding when to walk away, or, as Kenny Rogers says, knowing when to run. However, if your first reaction is to justify chasing someone away by pretending virtue or protection, when you could just not do anything, smile and move on, or you could avoid the situation, well, there you go. You need to do some work. You aren’t going to like everyone or everything, but you don’t have to make a lie of it because you’re afraid.
That said, I’ve broken a few vases and I can’t see how those can be fixed, and therein lies regret. I think the best you can do in those situations is apologize if it comes up, and move on with new behavior. That’s not only the best you can do, but it is all you can do. Sorry to get heavy.
One more thing for me to note to myself. I am an introvert. It is okay to be quiet. It is okay to be awkward. It is allowed. And you know, maybe people do make you uncomfortable. So be more cautious, not judgmental.
Okay. Nice talk. 😀