This has been on my mind for a while, and I think the ideas about it have coalesced at the crossroads of Jim Hines‘s entry about rape victims pressing charges and watching the Academy Awards last night, and seeing Mo’nique win her well-deserved best actress award.
I’ve been public about my experiences as a sexually abused child for some time, inasmuch as I’m not afraid to talk about being a survivor. My hope is always that somewhere being public can help those who are still living with the big secret to realize that there is a world outside of their victimhood.
I’ll probably cut this about here, because this might not be something all of you want to read, and I can respect that. I’m going to talk about Mo’nique’s portrayal and why I believe that we’ve got to encourage children of abuse to make that first step. This is a very different kind of post than Jim’s post because I am talking about children.
The hardest part of viewing Precious for me? All of it was tough. I had a conversation just last night before the Oscars with a member of my Bible study, who felt he couldn’t watch the movie because the portrayal of the father raping his daughter was too graphic. It is. That’s hard to watch. Strangely enough, what I remember the most about that scene was Precious’ mother in the background, watching the incident.
Later, a social worker is helping Precious talk to her mother about why the abuse occurred. The idea that the mother puts forward is simple: she needed someone to love her, so she put up with her daughter’s abuse so she could keep her husband. She then transferred her anger and guilt onto Precious. Because Precious didn’t scream or cry out, she must have wanted her father, her mother’s man. At the end of that interview, Precious walks away from her mother.
This isn’t unlike my experience. If the secret comes out, sometimes the victim imagines that the parent who wasn’t the abuser will be their champion. Instead, it is likely that there is a relationship of co-dependency.
My mother’s first reaction floored me. Conversationally, she said, “I thought there might be something going on.” Then she pretended that she’d talked to my dad about it, and told me that he hadn’t hurt me that badly. There was also something wrong with her, and as I look back, I can see that someone would have to be ignoring signs actively to not know what was going on in our home. Part of the reason I don’t see her any more is because I have suspicions about my older brother and the family tradition, and she lets him live in her home. And she still professes to love my father, and has his picture on her wall, even though she knows he molested all of his children.
I don’t know about the experience of molested kids everywhere. We have this idea that the molesters are usually creepy strangers who lure you away. They can be. Like with rape victims, however, children are molested more often by those close to them, those they should trust. Because we trust these people, we are convinced that these behaviors are normal. I know I thought that every family had this secret when I was growing up because I had no gauge of normal.
I believe strongly that we’ve got to talk more openly about this with our kids, not to the point of frightening them, but there has to be some way to let children know this isn’t the behavior of loving adults. I also feel we need to work hard to create safe environments so that kids can approach someone outside the family. If Precious and I are any indicators, staying inside the home doesn’t always help.
I have seen educational materials that tell children that they should tell someone, and if someone doesn’t believe them, they should keep on telling. Speaking up is the only way out for children, so social services can do their job. Of course, this isn’t easy. The question is how can we give our children that confidence, even if it means doing something that feels terribly wrong to them. Because it did to me, and I didn’t speak out.
There are mandatory reporters. When I was a teacher, it turned out I had a young girl who was taken away from her parents because her step-dad was raping her. After the principal let me know, I almost ran my hand through a wall in the classroom. Because I thought I could tell. Special insight. We can’t always know. However, if we see signs, we should say something. There are ways to get trained to know what you’re looking at.
Please talk to the children in your life, and let them know they can come to you for anything, and if you have suspicions, don’t be afraid to report them. Many adults are paranoid about getting involved. I know some are concerned that they might falsely accuse of abuse because of interference, but that’s a risk I’m prepared to take. If I save one kid from abuse, I guess I’m prepared to make a mistake.
Children don’t have a choice if they’re in an abusive situation. We should do everything we can if we know of one, or see the earmarks of one. We should listen to them and encourage them to talk. We should encourage our children to listen, and if they hear anything funny, we should say something. It’s easy for taboo and shame to keep us quiet. It’s important to help children in these situations to know that they are not at fault, and this is not normal.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers here, but if you have ideas on how we can create this environment, the comment thread is open.
Catherine
That took real guts to say that. Thanks
I’m absolutely full of admiration for you. Thank you.