Good Saturday, Thoughtful Sunday

I had a really good Saturday. Bryon and I ran up to Decorah. There, we hooked up with fellow VP’er Matt Hughes and his wife. We ran around to some art studios, had an excellent dinner at La Rana, stayed over and headed for home today.

It was a good relaxing day, full of beautiful art and relaxing weather.

***

Upon being at home, there’s always a great many things to put right. Unpacking, errands, laundry, all the things we do to get ready for the work week.

And the footprint of my childhood intruded greatly at one point.

I won’t go into all the details of the latest row of domestic violence between my mother and my oldest brother. I only hear about these things because the service my mother uses for emergencies has my number as a contact, and doesn’t understand that I don’t want them to use it. I think their employees are very temporary. But nevertheless, they’ve had another run in. And I’ve vented and been angry elsewhere in my writing, so now I can reflect a bit.

You might wonder what that’s like for an adult survivor of a dysfunctional family. Every time my family tries to pull me back in, I have several decisions to make.

1. Will I embrace the drama? When you spend all your life moving from crisis to crisis, the first thing you are tempted to do is jump right in. You are used to the temperature, after all. However, this only pulls you deeply into the web of crisis, where you can do nothing at all except cause yourself pain. It turns out the water is NOT fine.

2. Will I feel guilty if I don’t embrace the drama? The answer to this one every time is YES. But, that doesn’t have to be impetus to embrace the drama. My little script to avoid drama works like this” “There’s nothing I can do. I am not the one who has to change. I am not a person who can make others change. Why should I feel guilty for not getting involved, given that this is not a problem of my own making?” Does that work to make me feel less guilty? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, but it is getting easier to feel less guilty, and only feel guilty for short periods of time.

3. Can I do anything to make this situation better? Number two already tells me the answer to that. I can’t change people. I have to accept that.

4. What will others think of me because I am not helping my family? Anyone who knows my family knows why I’m not helping my family. 🙂 Anyone who knows me knows why I’m not helping my family. The people who love me understand. Everyone else does not matter.

5. It’s been four years this Christmas since I’ve seen or talked to my mother. Why doesn’t this get any easier? She’s your mother, silly. But remember what you told Dave, your counselor: no one’s going to be happy with this. So you should try to keep yourself safe, and work on what you can control.

***

I’ve been training myself to let myself off the hook, and I do most of the time. I constantly work on my own mental health and well being, and getting caught in the spider web again is only a way to get my soul sucked out. Most of the time I toodle along with my life and don’t worry. It’s when I still have the jagged ends poke through the canvas of my life that I feel all of these complex and quite natural emotions that adult children who survived dysfunctional families feel.

I realize not everyone who has a difficult family can take the extreme step I did. But you know, most of the time, I am happier because I’m not close to a horrible situation that I can do nothing about, which is ongoing, continuous, and not going to change.

The best thing today’s call about domestic violence did was reinforce to me why I stay away. The bouquet of emotions that I experience (loathing, shame, disgust, anger, did I mention anger?) doesn’t keep me from understanding that these are sick people who need help.

Who do you suppose has to get that help for them? Yup. Them.

Right. Pep talk aside, go fold some clothes. And remember, Catherine, you are doing the right thing. Good on you.

Treat yourself to a nice Greek dinner tonight with the people who love you. You deserve it.