Just a quick follow up post on xanax. I have taken a total of about 10 xanax now, usually reserved for those days that I know are going to be full of work and emotionally challenging. I am under the influence of one right now, because today I have four work tasks to do, two domestic tasks, and work on my novella. I can’t predict when I am going to necessarily need a xanax always, but there are some days that seem a bit overwhelming. If I wake up and it seems like I am about to be swept away in the maelstrom of what I have to do, I take the pill. Last night I had dreams amplifying the comparatively simple work tasks, and I woke up coiled like a spring. So, after some debate, I took the pill.
I can safely say that what happens with xanax is that it turns off my type A. If I am tired, regardless of what I have to do, I rest. If I want to do something over need to do something, I decide to do what I want. It takes the edge off false worry about money, false worry about achievement, the little stories I make up and tell myself about what I’m not finishing. Like…today I need to get a teacher evaluation, a checklist for orientation, and some questions rewritten accomplished. Xanax does not look at these as three tasks that I have to get done. It realistically sees about an hour and half of work. Similarly, xanax knows I have to get my Viet Nam scholarship aps done, and look at the kid’s aps, because there’s a meeting tomorrow.
Xanax has helped me list and put aside that which I cannot/do not have to do tomorrow.
And…here’s the best one…xanax helps me to not subvert what I want based on what other people want. I figure that by the time I get the Viet Nam ap stuff done, I’ll have given Kirkwood 3 hours today. What will I do with the rest of my day? I’ll buy groceries, eat lunch, buy some shampoo, and come home. Unless xanax decides that I’d rather see Life of Pi over work on my novella. Either is a valid choice.
Xanax makes me stubborn about getting what I want. The focus becomes not how much I can accomplish while driving myself into the ground. It’s more like take care of yourself and be happy, mixed in with work.
But then, there’s this ‘tude that says enough’s enough when, you know, enough’s enough. That doesn’t translate into unhappiness. That makes me more likely to be interested in doing my stuff, than stuff for work and others.
Let me guess…this is how the rest of you work, isn’t it? Damn!
Okay. Enough meta. I gotta buy some groceries.