(Not) Home for the Holidays

It’s Christmas, and even more than Thanksgiving for me, it is the time of year when I realize that I don’t have much of a family. It’s also the time of year when I realize that what I want is the fantasy family that I’ve been taught we all should have. I definitely made the right decision to stay away from my family, but this is the time of year I feel the worst about it.

If you’re like me, and you’re someone in recovery, rather than ruminate on how hard this is during the holidays (and it is!), I thought maybe this year I would offer up some tips that have helped me get through some of the more depressing patches, when I”m not feeling comfort or joy.

1. Make a celebration for yourself. I can’t get most of my friends on Christmas, because they are with their families. But every New Year, we have the Bachelor Turkey Bake, so named after our friend Allen whose work place gives him a turkey he doesn’t want to bake. We bake it for him, and we have a lot of friends over to share it. This gives us a holiday gathering with people we really love, and much like the fake family reunion I hold in the summer, helps me create a feeling of family.

2. Enjoy the Christmas season. It is really easy to get so stressed out about getting the gifts out, getting the presents bought, attending those parties. If you can avoid the things that cause you stress, do it. Don’t do anything that feels like obligation or giri. I know some of you must have a dinner with your stressful family. Why set yourself up for more stress?

3. Don’t be afraid to de-escalate a family conflict. If you are destined for a dinner with the family, and you are in a situation where it will be stressful, you can control how much you participate. This isn’t easy, because they’re pressing your buttons, but you can say things like, “This isn’t the time to talk about this,” or you can change the subject. If all else fails, you can leave. You don’t have to do the family conflict. Backing away from it may feel awkward, but engaging in the conflict is also awkward. It’s a choice between awkwards, and figuring out which one makes you feel better.

4. Reward yourself after the family engagement. So, you were a good kid and you went. And it wasn’t easy. You survived. Good for you! Now do something to make yourself feel good about yourself. Watch your favorite film. Take a bubble bath and read a book. Get together with friends who will remind you how awesome you are. Get that self-esteem back up. You are worth it.

5. Remember that what you want is an ideal, and your family will never be what you want them to be. You can’t change them. You can only change yourself. That’s a powerful mantra to help you avoid family drama during the season.

6. Return to your touchstones. Remind yourself why you decided to end the dysfunction. Talk to those you love. Revisit the symbols of your new life. You are a worthwhile person.

7. And lastly, remember that it is okay to feel sad. It is natural. If you do, ride through it. If it’s continual, chronic, or deep, you might have a word with your doctor. You are mourning, but mourning gets better with time, always. Give yourself time.

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My heart goes out to you this Christmas season. Remember, you are a worthwhile person, and you deserve to be loved, just for being you. And allow yourself to have a good season if you can. Stuart Smalley reminds us that “no one parties like people in recovery.” Heck, I may haul Stuart Saves his Family out next week while I’m on vacation, and have a good laugh, or a good cry. Or both.

Happy holidays. No, really. 🙂

Catherine

Author: Catherine Schaff-Stump

Catherine Schaff-Stump writes fiction for children and young adults. Her most recent book, The Vessel of Ra, is the first book in the Klaereon Scroll series. She is currently working on its sequel, as well as penning the middle grade adventures of Abigail Rath, monster hunter. View all posts by Catherine Schaff-Stump